It’s not completely out of the blue for RenZeg to have a change every now and again thanks to her alter ego Bridget Jones, but that’s usually just thin to fat to thin again. However, this time round something completely different has happened – it seems her face has completely changed. It’s weird because she doesn’t look younger or more Botoxed… she just looks like she couldn’t be assed to go to the premier and sent a cheap look-a-like instead whilst she stayed at home and binged on B&J’s like Bridget would. It reminds me of the really shit Jennifer Anniston impersonator my dad got me for my Barmitzvah.
Ladies and Gentlemen – the new RenZeg:
New V Old:
I’m the first one to jump on board with new viral video shenanigans (i.e. Big Jew does ice bucket challenge Flashdance style) but a new viral craze is popping up and it’s left me with a bitter taste in my mouth. More bitter than 70% cocoa dark chocolate.
Ladies and gents I present to you following fat people with a tuba:
I don’t know if it’s because I’m fat but I find this pretty horrific. That poor dude. If someone followed me with a tuba I would literally grab it off them and shove it up their anus. I find it funny that people (… arrogant kids) find it socially acceptable to do this sort of thing now. I was wondering if I’m missing the joke here and taking it all too seriously. Maybe I should chase anorexic people with chocolate cake?
I was meant to lose 4 stone by summer…. that’s great and all but we’re on the 14th of June now and I’ve lost 4 pounds. Maybe I meant Australian summer. Anywho – most people love the fact summer is coming… short shorts on, guns out etc. but for the average fatty sun is like Kryptonite. Here are BJOD’s 5 reasons why fat people and sun don’t get on:
1. Beaches make me sad… and I’m not even talking about the Bette Midler version (only gays would get that joke)
The thin person rules on the beach. Their life spent in the gym finally pays off when they go on holiday and hit the sandy shores. For the average fat person however, it’s incredibly how many places you will find sand in 2 months later. I came back from Dubai about 4 months ago and still finding sand in my belly button.
2. Walking 1 minute in the heat gives you sweat patches
In summer I sneeze and I get a sweat patch. It’s literally impossible to go about your daily activities without being wetter than Kinga from BB6’s champagne bottle. Lol.
3. The great BBQ conundrum
BBQ can actually be a really healthy way of grilling nice and lean chicken with salad on the side. Mmm healthy. However it’s also a good excuse to get the ribs on, get the buns and cheese out, and have curly fucking fries on the side. All the best BBQ food is bad for you… burgers with cheese, coleslaw, pasta salad. Mmm mama’s gettin’ hungry!
You forgot that the shorts you wore last year all had rips down the crotch
I kid you not this always happens to me! When I was getting ready for Dubai I threw two pairs of shorts in my suitcase only to remember when I got there that I had previously ripped them down the crotch the previous summer. Whoops
5. You hate seeing thin people happy
There’s nothing that makes me more sick than seeing some hench sexy man walking down the street in a vest. It just makes me eat more.
Tell me guys, what do you hate about summer?
As you all have been such great fans I’m launching the first ever #BigJewetition (the name needs working on). All you have to do is watch this classic Big Jew clip and answer the following: What are ALL the ingredients included in Big Jew’s 0-calorie egg white omelette?
The winner get’s a genuine BJOD signed I ❤ quiche t-shirt. So quiche!!
Fat people get themselves into a right pickle (no pun intended). Why should we be forced to eat horrible diet food just because we’ve slightly overindulged on the way up? Skinny people don’t have 1 calorie dressing, so neither should we. I’ve been thinking about the foods which are essentially great for you on a diet, but are so horrifically tasteless/bitter/non-creamy that it makes you want to cry tears of 1-cal cooking spray. Here’s a list of diet foods which will make any dieter think ‘you know what… i’d rather just be fat for the rest of my life’.
All comments welcome – do you guys agree?
1. Cottage Cheese
Cottage cheese is like cheese’s version of those two girls who didn’t make it into the club in Kevin & Perry Go Large. The worst bit… it looks deceivingly creamy so it’s actually quite a sneaky cheese
2. Rice cakes
Cakes are meant to have buttercream slathered all over them with a chocolate ganache or something – they are not meant to be dry disks of unhappiness.
Staying with the sad cracker theme… I don’t believe anyone who actually goes out of their way to enjoy Ryvita. Yes the women in the advert seem so happy, but it’s only because they’re fucking the gardner and Botoxed to the max. soz.
4. Any Weight Watchers meal
It’s become a well known fact that the Weight Watchers range is half food half objects you’d find around the house (wallpaper paste, glue, soap etc.). Sorry guys but the only wallpaper this Big Jew is eating is the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory wallpaper. Yum
This one doesn’t even need an explanation. If God had wanted us to have celery he would have made it more like an avocado.
Getting rid of the yolk is like getting ride of sunshine. The other day I was forced to get rid of a double-yolker… I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself. In all seriousness though there is a pretty great healthy eating book called ‘Eat the Yolks‘ which goes against this LA-no-yolk culture that has become popular over the past 10 years.
7. New potato
There’s nothing new about this potato. It’s dull, boring and makes your mouth go dry. Yes they’re delicious when covered in rosemary and butter… but a piece of poo would be nice covered in rosemary and butter.
8. Extra Light Mayonnaise
You’ll taste more chemicals in this tube than in Walter White’s Blue Sky (Big Blue, Blue Magic, Fring’s Blue)
9. 1-cal cooking spray
Yes it makes things not stick to the pan as much, but are you going to pretend that it tastes anything as good as oil? Lurpak have just launched ‘Cooking Mist’… as if i didn’t have enough trouble resisting that stuff in solid form.
10. Finally…. DUST
Readers – what are your worst foods you dread on a diet?
What did the cheese say in the mirror… HALLOUMI! Get it? If you didn’t, you don’t belong on my blog.
Please see Masterchef shmear above. Ye it’s shit.
Everything is better stuffed and peppers are no exception – these lil guys love getting a good stuffing. The recipe is super easy and will impress everyone when you bring it out. Men out there don’t worry about your street cred only having veggies for a main meal, the halloumi makes the dish quite filling, but you can serve on the side of meat if you want.
For 4 hungry Jews
6 yellow, red or orange peppers. Not green – no one likes green. Sorry green but you’re bitter. Bitter about that divorce with yellow.
14,780 granules of cous cous. Or 80g
Vegetables for the inside… I used courgettes, mushrooms, onion, olives and garlic
Method to the madness:
1. Empty the peppers, season a little with salt/peps and drizzle with olive oil – place them in the oven on 180C for 15 mins to get softer
2. While the peppers are softening in the oven add boiling water to the cous cous and cover
3. Fry off the vegetable mixture – courgettes (I have yellow AND green below because a new fancy greengrocer opened in West Hampstead) onion, garlic, mushrooms etc.
4. Add vegetable mixture to the cous cous
5. Take peppers out of the oven – add in the cous cous vegetable mixture and top with slice of halloumi. Ignore the pitta chips in the picture.. they err.. were for Charlie
6. Throw back in the oven for 10 more mins and you’re ready to eat!
Guys, I reached my 15,000th view this week which is absolutely nuts! I hope you’re having as much fun as I am. It feels like just yesterday I made my first video – the 5/2 one. Anywho I’m going to shut up and enjoy the sun. If you have any ideas/comments then please let me know by commenting below. ILY x